Let’s continue with the next love language which is Acts of Service. Here’s another area where there can be a never ending list of how to show this type of love, yet again, it must be things the other person needs or desires. Anything from fixing things around the house and making sure a warm meal is ready to changing the baby’s diaper or making sure the bills are paid can be included here. The point is to do something for your spouse that they would just like someone else to do for them. Dr Chapman says that “They require thought, planning, time, effort and energy…” (p92) These acts again show our loved one that we have them in mind. We want to lighten their load and help them carry their burdens. As always, this is ideal when it is reciprocated, of course. Too much giving, or only taking, leads to a very unhealthy relationship. But as I said a couple of weeks ago, you can only be responsible for the choices you make, not the other person’s.
This is not rocket science here so, allow me to digress here a bit. As we should all know, relationships do not always go smoothly. Dr Chapman uses a case study of some of his clients to make several points. “First, they illustrate clearly that what we do for each other before marriage is no indication of what we will do after marriage.” (p99) Some people complain about misrepresentation…but when we are newly “in love” we tend to put our best foot forward. We tend to go out of our way for this person we are so in love with, we put them first many times. Sadly, once we say “I do” we stop doing. We stop acting in love and start thinking about MMI again. This never goes well, and why? As I have been saying, because Love is not about MMI. It is all about the one we claim to love.
Second point: “you cannot create the will to love” (p100) As I have said before Love is a choice and we cannot force the other person to choose or else it is not love. Enough said.
Last point: “People tend to criticize their spouse most loudly in the area where they themselves have the deepest emotional need.” (p100) So what we need to begin doing with criticism is to see it as a cry for help and not take it personally. Yeah, I know this is a tough one, yet, as we mature in Christ and desire to love our spouse the best way we can, we will listen to the criticism with different ears. Again we will choose to not get personally offended, but take their words as a way to learn their love language. We will ask for clarification instead of starting a fight, because, one more time, the key is not to take it personally. They have a need, but often do not know how to express it, so they criticize. As you both grow, you learn that this is not an acceptable way to speak to someone you love, and instead of criticizing, you begin requesting. This takes both to grow, but if one spouse is not willing, or still too young in their Faith, the stronger spouse must decide not to take offense, and then get defensive! This is how fights begin. One of you must choose to deescalate the situation. I have heard it said, you cannot have an argument if one party is not willing to fight! During such an occasion, as a quarrel was about to start, I lovingly told my husband, “Hunny, take off your boxing gloves, I am not your enemy, I love you!” That alone deflated the whole negative atmosphere and brought us to a place where we could hear each other’s hearts.
2023’s Got A Minute? Book Club
January: The Bible
February: “The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts” by Gary Chapman
<>< Peace, Diane
